As The Crow Flies, The Idiots Drive
There is a lot water in these parts. Bodies of water everywhere. Lakes, bays, sounds, rivers, streams, puddles. Big and small, these bodies of water are fucking everywhere I tell you. And to deal with these many bodies of water, may The Force be with you.On this Great Day of Indecision and Arbitrary Let's Take This Exit Because It Just Feels Right, the first fork in the road to Stupidty-ville was just around the bend. Just past Tacoma.
The Party:
The goal was to get our mainland asses over to Elliotfest 2005 before sundown. Actually before 2 pm and then that turned into 4 pm. (Matt and Phedra, you guys rock and so does your golf course caliber lawn, finger lickin' good Colonels-ass-kickin' award winning bbq chicken, and the strong as shit g and t's (in giant blue plastic party cups! I like how you don't fuck around with the drinky drink!) that kept on flowing all night long until I couldn't see straight)
The Plan:
"Let's just drive or no maybe we should take the ferry but wait what ferry? the Kingston or Bainbridge or maybe just driving for 1.5 hours would be easier because then we are in control and don't have to wait in the ferry line but the ferry could be better because it is part of the fun! and we can get out of the car and wait. shit. we don't even have the directions so even if we wanted to drive we really don't know where we are going exactly. I mean we have a general idea ah who needs directions screw it let's just drive. " Do you see?!?! THERE WAS NO FUCKING PLAN!
The Way It Went Down:
Stupidity-ville, we're coming!. Narrowly avoiding getting stuck in the Gay Pride Parade behind dudes in buttless chaps (a quilting bee compared to LA's gpp) we made it out of the city but oh wait, not until after realizing the freeway was closed down to one lane. Great. The directions I have mapquested are not from Seattle to our party. They are from like 20 minutes away from the party to the party, thus leaving us all Helen Keller'ed for the first 80% of the trip. Great. Later, the wood pulp induced stench of Seattle's ugly and smelly and I-have-a-wart-on-my-nose-with-hair-poking-out-of-it stepsister, "The Aroma of Tacoma" filled our car and we all started feeling nauseous and headachey (a la the blueberry pie Barf-A-Rama.) Great.
Then we hit Bremerton and things got royally fucked up. We got off the highway because you know because it just feels right, admiring the huge and not too rusty hulls of aircraft carriers thinking..."is this right? Matt would have told us if he lived in an actual aircraft carrier, right?"
We try to ask directions. Thrice.
1) Young caucasion male runs yes RUNS from the car with a look of terror in his eyes as I roll down my window to ask for help then
2) Two definitely over 18 years of age youth (erroneous assumption #237 was that hey, they're 18ish, they d r i v e and they might just might know where the one major highway would be. WRONG.) look at us like we are the alien who put on the farmers skin in Men In Black when we ask for help AND simultaneously we are flipped off by a very small woman in a very large SUV and finally finally finally
3) A carwash crew of 10 twelve year olds and one glaring pissed off overweight soccer mom who thought we were pedophiles or potential carwash carjackers or something said to just keep going keep going reeeaaaall far. Reeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaall far.
I was never so happy to see a blue plastic party cup full of gin in my life.
Go the way the crow flies...and NOT the way the idiots drive. You've been notified.
posted by gracegow @ 9:38 PM
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