Tit Sitter
A while ago I cat sat for Jackie and Justin. I went by their place numerous times while they were gone and the drill was always the same: Scoop the litter, refresh water and food, and offer a little cuddle time/scratch behind the ears/attention from a human to the felines...but these kitties were elusive and often times not ammenable to interaction so, fine, be that way and this is why I like dogs better.Visit #4 was different than the rest:
I'm doing my caretakerly duties and I see the friendly, more social kitty across the apartment. He/she is sitting in what would be best described as a sunroom. This comfy living room is a great space because it has 3 walls of windows and is like a little mini peninsula of public exposure - open to the activity down below on the street, to the tree tops (3rd floor apt) and, last but not least, to the neighbors living room next door that has the identical floorplan and window situation.
I see Elusive Kitty #1, a rare siting for sure. I emerge from the shade of the kitchen into the late afternoon sun-bathed openness of the living room, my eyes focused on the little feline looking up at me and it's razor like talons I meant to say it's cute little nose. Three paces into this Room Of Glass (ZERO window shades) I see something out of my peripheral vision. I freeze. I see 2 somethings. Actually, I see 4 something and almost 5 somethings. Were it not for a strategically placed mid-chest houseplant, things coulda been a whole lot worse.
The neighbors are sitting in the sunroom totally buck naked. Check that. She's sitting, bare chested, and he's standing. Yep. Strange male standing there naked = my total horror. I was violating their right to eat pizza naked and they were violating my right to not be blinded by all the whiteness of his butt cheeks. Hey Jackie, yeah um ... your neighbors? Yeah. They are goddamn nudists. Nudists! I panic. I start to sweat. I don't know where to avert my eyes because I'm utterly fascinated by witnessing 2 people that really just hang out naked in broad daylight over a snack with total disregard for the proximity of pubic hair to food. Instead, it appears that they welcome this volatile combo with big open naked arms. This, by all accounts, is the closest I've ever been to bad naked.
Spatially speaking, I'm far enough into the room so that they can totally see me - and we're talking only 15 feet or so of space between the windows. It's like I'm hanging out with them in their little no-clothes-allowed paradise, only I have clothes on and they don't so it looks like I'M the weird one. Eye contact has not happened yet. Yet. After Stage 1 Panic subsided, I do what anyone would do. I Sit Down. WTF? I do what? Idiot! I decide it is a good idea to SIT on the COUCH in the SUNROOM directly ACROSS FROM THE NUDISTS. Frozen there like the Egyptian sphinx, I am thinking 'Oh jesus god they are nude in a glass walled room and here I am and fuck why'd I sit down dumb dumb dumb and now they have seen me but I'm a total blazing idiot to have SAT down because now I have to either stand up and draw more attention to my clothed self OR drop on all fours and crawl outta here like those guys that stormed Normandy on D-day. Shit. '
Call me commando. After a solid 15 seconds of innane internal debate and not knowing where the hell to look, I crawled out of the living room under the line of fire, grabbed my purse, and ran to my car. (I'd love to say this was on the radio, but it wasn't). Thank god J&J came home the next day because I was not going back to the Nudieland Ranch.
Jackie and Justin: I'll be happy to tit sit I mean cat sit again for you the next time you go away. You can tell your neighbors I'll be wearing this to the party.
posted by gracegow @ 11:34 AM
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