I'm Back, Bitches
No, I am not pretending to be on the "Jimmy's down!" Seinfeld episode. I've been gone for a while. And now I am back. This is why:Okay. So, I am guest blogging on Cat's site because she seems to have forgotten to update lately. Hopefully my weak attempt as a blogger will convince her to flip open her laptop and start typing again.
What would work best is if you post lots of anonymous comments that go a little something like: "Please come back Cat, we miss you and hate the guest blogger." Or if you want to go more of an onomatopoeia route, just a "wwaaaaahhhh" could suffice. That gets people's attention. Especially people like Cat who loathe the thought of children screaming in their ears at loud, high pitched decibels.
When I was wondering what I should write about on this site I thought about lots of things not related to what I should write about on this site. What was I going to wear to dinner tonight? What should I order at dinner tonight? I thought briefly about my boss, who has been a little difficult lately. Then I thought again about what I would order at dinner tonight.
Then I realized I was way, way off track and I made a split second decision to write about Cat. After all, it is her blog. And then, when I really thought about it, I realized it was a stroke of genius. Cat hates talking about herself. So this might be the only insight that you, the reader, get into the greatness of her personality and why you should demand her immediate return to the blogging world.
And so I introduce the top five things I can think of that make me miss Cat more than anyone and wish really, really hard that she would fly to the NYC and drink wine with me tonight. Not tomorrow night. Definitely can't wait until the night after that. TONIGHT.
1.
Cat loves wine. More than the average person. I mean, the bitch REALLY loves the stuff. And she gets this really great, fun buzz off wine. Not a person who gets sleepy. Definitely not someone who gets emotional. Sometimes red wine makes her teeth purple, but we forgive that, because she is so fun when she drinks it that she does things like
A. Ask strange people for advice on private matters. If you've never done this when drunk, you should really try it out. The answers you get will blow your fucking mind.
B. Take a freaking tornado storm of pictures. She should be the most thankful person on earth for the advent of digital cameras. Without them, she would be about a million in the hole on film and development charges.
C. Drives. Cat is a GREAT drunk driver. No, wait, No she¹s not. She is not a good drunk driver. And that¹s not even funny. DRUNK DRIVING IS NOT FUNNY. I take back C. But the other 2 are pretty straight up, solid reasons. We'll stick with those.
2.
Cat is a really good bargain shopper. And she knows what she likes. She is the last person that will ever walk into a store and let any kind of salesperson or advertisement or sale rack convince her to make an impulse purchase. When she sees what she wants, she knows. And there ain't nothin' me, you or Dolce is gonna' to talk her into that she don't want already for herself.
3.
Cat doesn't like the South. She has the best of intentions when she says that she does. And, as someone from the South, I appreciate her toleration of it and even that she lived there for a couple years. But she overestimates her ability to tolerate, um, well, CERTAIN political views that are prevalent in the southern states of this fine US of A.
If you want Cat to extrapolate on those political views, kindly send her an email and I am sure you will get an earful back on it.
Perhaps you wonder (or maybe you don't, but who really cares, I AM THE GUEST BLOGGER HERE, PEOPLE) why I think it is an endearing trait that Cat doesn't like the South when it is, at the same time, where I hail from. Simple, really. Cat is a great person to argue with. An outstanding way to spend an afternoon is attempting to convince Cat of something she doesn't agree with.
The thing is, she really listens to you. Nine times out of ten she won't change her fucking mind. But there is always that one time, the lingering possibility of the one time that she might change her mind, And the glory of that time makes all the convincing worth it.
4.
Cat hates all my ex-boyfriends. Unequivocally. It doesn't matter if she liked them when I was with them or if she even thinks they are good people. Now they are out of my life and so they are out of hers as well. Men may not understand this point, but it's a crucial one. When I send her email updates on what my most recent, least favorite ex is up to her responses often sound a little like Rosie O'Donnell.
High-speed, high-pitched missives that come screaming into my inbox. They may not always have a lot of substance (not Cat's fault, usually there isn't a lot of substance to work with), but her responses always leave you with the definite effect that you are on the winning team and life is good and that even if you are an ex-talk show host and fat and play mentally handicapped characters on TV movies THERE IS STILL TOMORROW TO LOOK FORWARD TO. Dammit. And if all you did was get broken up with some guy who was from Minneapolis anyway and wore really bad, plaid shirts....well then, it's a no-brainer that you still have tomorrow to look forward to.
5.
The fifth reason? Cat always calls me on her way into work. It's usually morning in Seattle and that means it's lunch time in New York and THAT means I have just recently crawled out from under my desk to start doing work so I am behind on emails and assignments and can't answer the phone.
She knows all this but she calls me just to let me know she's still alive all the way on the opposite ocean. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the most true thing I can say about Cat. That's just the kind of person she is.
Now that you know how great Cat is, there's no reason not to beg her to come back to her blog. Go on.
Post your comments.
Demand that she returns.
I'll start off with the first tantrum, "WWAAAHHHHH Cat, where have you gone? You are, like, so totally, such a cocktease with your blog."
-A.M.
About the guest blog author:
A.M. enjoys long romantic walks thru H&M and American Apparel, frozen yogurt with chocolate sprinkles in NOHO, and whips up a kickass tuna/ritz cracker/cream of something soup casserolle (Did you miss the part about her being from the South??) She lives in a beautiful apartment in the East Village (NOT the fucking Upper West Side, thank you very much) that is rad.
A.M. is the co-author of Dead Pug Walking, a hybrid biopic melding Stephen King's Pet Cemetry with Sex And The City fabulousness with a fat dose of schadenfraude, when appropriate. It will be hitting your local bookstores SOON and that little twerp Harry Potter won't know what the hell knocked him and his formerly homeless creator out of the #1 Bestseller spot. ~cat
posted by gracegow @ 2:56 PM
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