catcall

SoCal Hot Sauce

This is an excerpt of an email that I received from a guy who just moved to San Diego to attend law school. Me thinks the stories will be good ones over the next 3 years:

I'll start off by saying that I made it to San Diego in one piece. It took 23 hours of taking shifts driving in a Uhaul with a tow dolly (Steve helped me move). And I'm not even going to lie about it, the drive was what I imagine to be the equivalent of childbirth: hours and hours of agony, sweat and vaginal tearing.

It wasn't that Steve and I didn't have a great bonding experience on our trek, it's just that well, I being psycho, kept freaking out about things. For example, every time we hit a bump in the road, no matter the size, I was sure that my car flipped/broke off the Uhaul and behind us was this huge 18 car pile up. At other times I kept torturing myself with the thought of us getting a flat tire. Oh, dear God! Since there are a total of about 5 people that live between Portland and Sacramento and a few rocks and stuff, cell phone service becomes nonexistent and all that there is between these two cities is a long stretch of road with miles and miles of nothingness all around.

I was sure that if our Uhaul did get a flat we would've surely died. 2 months later a highway patrolman would've found our bodies with bite marks and Jack in the Box hot sauce splattered on Steve's butt cheeks—evidence of my final and desperate attempt at survival.

Well, I live just east of Ocean Beach (about 1 mile) but technically I think my neighborhood is called Point Loma. My complex has about 55 units, a pool and a fitness center but don't start picturing some immaculate resort because it's not. The people who live here aregreat and they range from exchange students from Brazil to a 50-year-old Italian dude who does masonry work and drinks bottles and bottles of wine like it's Gatorade. Everybody in SD is super nice and really friendly. It seems like the total epiphany of a beach town surrounded by colleges. I'd have to say that the girls down here are sick to quite sick and I'm trying really hard to put "it's like I'm walking around with a full time erection down here" delicately.

Oh, and my landlord is gay. And yes, I've been doing everything that I can to get him to fall in love with me. So far it's worked to my advantage (bare with me). He's invited me to dinners several times; has let me do laundry for free (we have a coin operated laundry center); has given me a case of beer (he had a bunch of beer leftover from a party and he says he doesn't drink beer) and among other things that I haven't mentioned, he and his partner have been a great help in getting me situated. We're talking flipping out and doing karate kicks because they get so excited when I ask them if they could take me to a(n) [insert stores like ikea, bed bath and beyond, etc.]. Also I don't want to be misleading here because my landlord is older and stuff and he looks nothing like those chicks on Queer Eye...

Anyhway, the other day my landlord dropped off his vacuum for me to borrow and I exclaimed, "oh wow, it must be the work of the vacuum fairy". Admittedly, this wasn't one of my most hetero comments I've made to date but his response topped even my own: [said with some sass] "the vacuum fairy is not the only fairy around here". He followed up that comment with a wink and a smile right before he walked away. Mind you, previous to this comment it was still too early for me to determine if my landlord was gay or if he was just a really friendly, feminine guy. But that definitely confirmed mysuspicions and my first response was being mortified. I quickly felt my balls disintegrate and I fell over onto my hands and knees and started to dry heave. I've never been the same after that. To this day my only fear is that one night I will wake up, ala Wedding Crashers, but I'd be tied down and rudely awakened by him viciously fingering me. Oh well, he's invited me to his bbq this evening and I will definitely be in attendance.

Picture palm trees, 75 degree weather with a nice ocean breeze, everything from downtown to the beaches within 10 minutes away, and about 70% of the population is in their 20s and you have San Diego. But life hasn't been a non-stop party though because of this thing called law school. I'll spare you the details because I realize that talking about law school is boring. However, some of my greatest stories so far are law school related......

posted by gracegow @ 5:12 PM