Say My Name Bitch
My friend Anna had a talk with a woman at her credit card company today. It went a little somethin' like this:
Anna: "Hi, I need to order a new credit card because the numbers on the back are all smeared off, and I can't order things online anymore."
Her: "No problem, Ms. Marshell. We can take care of that."
Anna: "Great! While you're at it, can we correct the typo on my card? It currently says my first name is 'KIMBERLYANNA' -- all one word -- and, actually, that's my first name and my middle name together."
Her: "Sure, Ms. Marshell. But first you'll have to send us proof of the name change."
Anna: "Oh, huh. But I haven't changed my name. It's a typo. And it confuses people sometimes."
Her: "Well I can only change your name if I get proof of the name change."
Anna: "But my name never was KIMBERLYANNA."
Her: "Oh, you know, I wonder if there were just too many letters. Let's try it...yep! It automatically puts them together because there are too many letters to fit on the card." I guess she didn't need proof to change it after all!
Anna: "Oh. Well in that case, maybe we could just have the card say, 'K ANNA MARSHALL' or 'ANNA MARSHELL.' I use my middle name."
Her: "Well, that would be a name change. We'd need proof of the change."
Anna: "But it wouldn't be a name change, just a different representation of my name. What's on the card now is an interpretation of my name."
Her: "We'd still need proof of the name change."
Anna: "My name hasn't changed."
Her: "We'd need proof."
Anna: "Just send me the KIMBERLYANNA card, please."
Hotter Than Granny Panties
What's Hot:Thigh high stockings
What's Not:When the elastic lace top part of the the thigh high stocking goes flacid mid-day and ceases to retain any clinging power around said thigh and starts the death spiral towards being a knee high but oh no blows right past that to become an ankle high. While I'm walking back from Blue Water Taco at lunchtime today. One sheer black leg warmer, anyone?
Oui We Can
What made me laugh today at an hour of the morning when normally no laughing happens is finding out that when I call Merredith the ringtone that she has assigned to my incoming calls is "The Can-Can". Oh yes, the
CanCan can...
What made me laugh just a wee bit harder than finding
that out was the piercing stare I got from the uptight bitch on the bus in front of me who was apparently very upset to hear a human voice that had any measure of non-misery in it.. How dare I speak and invade her private space bubble of absorption in the latest Jackie Collins paperback? The nerve! Deciding to engage fully in her little match of ocular jousting, I telepathically asked oh miserable one: Oh can you do the Can Can? If you can then I canI can Can Can if you Can CanCan you Can Can, and let me allow you ONE guess as to who won that staring contest.
You can't beat the CanCan. It will win every time.
Do Not Call
No less than 48 hours after the end of the partypalooza funfest that I will call Thanksgiving weekend, I received not one but TWO calls from "Nate". "Nate" is apparently the alias that has been assigned to the gym employee who is
actually "He Who Will Remind You That Not Only Are Your Pants Tight But Your Wrists Are Getting Fatter Too".
Hey Nate:
I love the personal attention, really I do. I love that you were told to delve into the you_have_been_a_lazy_ass.doc spreadsheet and do a sort on the Not Been Here In A Long Fucking Time column. I even love that my name shot to the top of that column. But what I would love the MOST would be for you to copy/paste me into another special roster of gym members.
Please put me on your Do Not Call list. If you do not have one of these going, please start it now. I would like to remain in blissful denial about my holiday lethargy, inactivity, and consumption and deal with it when the tulips sprout and the cherry blossoms bloom. If you do not abide by my wishes I will be left with no other alternative than to hurl leftover stuffing and pecan pie and homemade whip cream at your head the way monkeys throw poop at each other in their cages at the zoo. Thank you Nate, and have a nice Christmas/Kwanza/Channukah.
