Oops I Did It Again
I am eating an apple and am all finished and toss the core into the garbage and am all like Man, that was a good apple and then realize that Nope, I never did pull that little apple sticker off the apple and then was all like Damn, I ate the sticker. Again.
The apple may be organic, but someone should really look into making those little stickers good for you too because over the last few months I've accumulated a whole belly full of them.
Batter of Factly
A friend of mine decided to order a funny cake from an erotic bakery for his friend's birthday. He did a little internet research, found the style of naughty cake he wanted and decided to order it. With trepidation, the call to the bakery was placed.
"
Hi, I'd like to order a Girl Butt Cake.""What size?""
What are my options?"
"How many people do you want it to feed?""Um. 4. "(Flipping thru some paperwork)
"Let's see...the Girl Butt Cake...That comes in 7", 12" or 16" inch sizes."
"Um. 7? Is that too small?""No, it's a good size. So a 7-inch Girl Butt Cake. Got it. What color do want the cake to be, light or dark?" "...light?"
"And the cake flavor?""Vanilla?"(Matter of factly:)
"Do you want pussy hair and an asshole with that?""Excuse me?"(Matter of factly but louder and more annoyed this time:)
"Do you want pussy hair and an asshole? On the cake. With icing!?" (Traumatized)
"No. Just a plain butt, please"
(Annoyed exhale)
"So, you know if you don't add pussy hair or an asshole, the cake will just look like a pair of titties without nipples, don't you?"(Sweating)
"Yes. That is ok."(Matter of factly)
"Anything else I can help you with?"(Pale)
"I think that's all..."
Oh Brother
Without me being me, maybe there would be no you. At least that's what I've thought, sometimes. It's not as narcissistic as it sounds. I've just been told that
I was the good baby - the smiling and quiet and sleeping one. A darling. A dear. THE PERFECT CHILD. Then you arrived 2 years after my entrance, and all the tales I've been privy to reveal the edges of cliffs to which you drove our progenitors. Screaming and collicky, you pushed the caregivers to the edge. Good thing the ma and paternal love arm wrestled your big bald-headed baby riot and won.
It's fortunate you had me as a predecessor to trick them into thinking you'd be as easy as me. You may thank me for the gift of life anytime, dear brother.
But then that all changed. Around the middle of my second decade the world reversed. Turned on it's ear and it's ass it did indeed. You ceased to be difficult and I ceased to be easy. It's not that you're 'simple' in the Corky kind of way. Exactly the opposite, actually. Your pragmatism, your ability to hone in on a goal and achieve it, your ability to see the pros and cons so clearly, so black and white, so damn immediately. No wishy washiness no emotional muck no confliction or indecision - no sir, not you.
And then it all changed again. It changed on the phone the other evening when you asked about things and how they are and how all of this has felt. It's when I realized that we are not opposites or even really that contrary. It's when I realized that we're just both different cuts of steak that have different proportions of fat and meat and bone and maybe one of us likes to be cooked on the grill and the other likes the broiler or one likes to be marinated in teriyaki and one likes a nice spiced herb rub. We're really both just raw cow cut from the same, well - cow.
Without you being you, there would be a me but I would be missing a big part of myself. I'd be missing a you.
How To
How to make new friends and INFLUENCE PEOPLE:
End every email (work, personal, other) with
"....duh."People with think you are a friggin' genius.
Glad I Could Help
I received an email from "
Her" this morning. There was no message in the email, just a sentence in the subject line. It read:
Subject: that was the best advice you've ever given me
Smooth
Her: Dude. The hot guy from the office is coming over. To my place . TONIGHT.
Me: What are you talking about? The guy who's picture you almost stole from the reception area of the office? You guys don't even get coffee or lunch together. Ever. You don't even do the office walk-by visit. What the hell has happened and why the hell is he coming over?
Her: He wants to talk about his recent breakup with his girlfriend. This is so pathetic. I am going to be that shoulder that gets cried on.
I should have shaved my legs. You know... just in case.
Me: You haven't shaved your legs!?
Her: No.
Me: You must be prepared for all possible outcomes. Go shave your legs. Immediately.
Her: Really?
Me: Yes. Go. Now.
Her: Shit. Okay. Shit! He'll be here in like 10 minutes.
Me: GO.
Her: Bye!
Fools
Reasons why I should win an Academy Award and Renee, Julia, Hillary, and Cate can just give it up already:
1. Someone actually said "It seems like you really have your shit together Cat."
2. See above.
3. See above the above.
Fifty Dollar Baby
Last night I kicked the living shit out of a 7 foot tall punching bag attached to big plastic thing full of sand to the tune of some german electro heavy metal punk.
Only $999,950 dollars to go and I am counting.
Gossip
A friend of mine received flowers for her birthday from her parents a few weeks back. They - the flowers not the parents - immediately died. Like so many sweet mothers out there would do, my friend's mom resent her
another bouquet of flowers that arrived at work today.
My friend took the parental birthday card out and replaced it with another one JUST IN CASE there were nosey co-workers lurking in the hallways that might try to see who the There's-No-Occasion-To-Send-These-Flowers flowers are from. The new card says:
P,
Thanks for the best sex I've ever had in my life.
-G.
This, my friends, is how good gossip gets started. And why
some people should go into PR.
Hi. I'm Mildly Retarded
I've just found out that the cardigan sweater that I have been wearing for the last 5 hours today has had a 6 inch tall by 1 inch wide tag on it. All day. I've
been wearing a huge sticker over my left breast for 5 hours and no one told me!I was informed of this horrible oversight in the elevator going to lunch and I'm pleased to say that there were two other humans there to witness my embarrassment. It would have been a shameful waste if it had just been me and one other person discovering this stupid move, now wouldn't it?
So now not only is it known that my cute little Marc Jacobs knock-off is from
Old Navy but also that it is an
XL.
Jesus christ. I am cheap and I am a linebacker. And don't forget, mildly retarded too.
If I start wearing my bra over my shirt, COULD SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME?
Sweetheart
"She is extremely thoughtful about everything she does. What a sweetheart."The above statement was made about who?:
A) Condoleeza Rice
B) Jenna Jamison
C) Jen Oliver*
D) Luna The Dog
Answer:
D - My dog! The dog walker lady just said Luna is a perfect little angel in her report card. Yes, Luna gets a report card after every outting. Ah, parenthood. I'm so proud.
A dog report card reports many important benchmarks in a doggie outting day. The report card covers: Did she go #1? Did she go #2? Did she make any new friends? Did she listen well? Did she have fun? Did she sleep in the car ride home?
Well isn't that odd. Luna's report card looks awfully similar to the criteria that I have been using to measure the relative success and happiness of
my own days lately.
*My 4th grade nemisis who thought it would be funny to steal my winter hat with the big yarn poof ball off my head on the schoolbus. That bitch. Whatever. She never dated any cool boys in high school and is probably still mean (not like that matters because she'll always be evil in my mind) and the last I heard is still not cute AT ALL. Who's laughing now, HUH JEN? WHO! Oh wait. That would be ME. Now don't touch my hat again. Ever.
Later Dude
We've all seen
that episode of Seinfeld. The one where Jerry is dating a woman whose first name he does not know. He's told it rhymes with a female body part.
He guesses Mulva.
Wrong.
Gipple?Wrong.
Loleola?
Wrong.
Delores!
It's too late, she's gone.
Jerry loses the lady. Again.
So I have a friend who went on a couple of dates with this guy and his last name was McSomething. He always said it fast. She paid such close attention but could never make it out. She thought it was McQueeny or McSweeney.
Wrong.
A mutual friend cleared up the confusion. His last name is McWeeny.
It's too late, she's gone.
McWeeny loses the lady. Again.
Fantastic Hybrid
What happens when you mix Lenny Kravitz with Bob Marley and then add a dash of Dave Mathews and a pinch of Ice Cube? You get this:
hottness.
(
Flatstock was rad too, but not as rad as Michael Franti.)
Shock
What’s happening in New Orleans is horrifying. What’s not happening there is even more horrifying. The lack of military mobilization and the non-existent aid that the residents of that devastated city are struggling with is sickening.
I’ve been reading cnn.com and watching video clips online. In order to watch a news clip, I have to watch an advertisement for the U.S. Army first.
So in order to see news footage of the unfortunate, low-income, minority Americans struggling to survive without the help of the government, I am first forced to sit there and watch a 60-second commercial targeted at the unfortunate, low-income, minority Americans who would supposedly benefit so greatly from joining the U.S. Army. That sick irony blows me away.
The Commander in Chief of this country needs to do something. Get our military out of Iraq. Put that manpower to work to help the hurricane victims. People are dying.
Countdown
It's the Friday before Labor Day. Do you know what that means? NO MORE WHITE SHOES IN PRECISELY 3 DAYS!!! I've done a little research as to why it's such a forbidden sin, this decadent wearing of the white shoe after Labor Day.
Bogus Reason #1:
"Because a white shoe reflects light and heat, wearing white would make you cooler in winter, and thus should be avoided. "
Someone needs to talk to the North Pole people and the South Pole people and a lot of other people in between who live in wintery wonderlands surrounded by white stuff called SNOW. Good thing global warming will take care of this nasty heat-reflecting fashion faux paux. Give North America another few decades and we’ll turn all that darn white snow into nice bluish brownish water for ya with our fossil fuel emissions and greenhouse gases. No problem!
Bogus Reason #2:
"In the late 19th century and the 1950s, more people were entering the middle classes. These nouveau-riche folks were often unaware of the standards of high society, so they were given specific codified rules to follow in order to fit in. "
Helloooo. The nouveau-riche of today are so much sharper than we give them credit for; they’ve made those little white golf shoes acceptable ALL YEAR ROUND. Those smarties. Fortunately, “fitting in” these days is a piece of cake. Buy a McMansion, an SUV or 3, send a kid to private school – bang. You’re in. No need to worry about the complex rules of footwear when you’ve got an au pair and a vacation house in Tahoe.
Bogus Reason #3:
"There's a charming refrain about
G.R.I.T.S. -- girls raised in the South. This bit of folklore states, "Southern girls know bad manners when they see them," and a clear sign of bad manners is wearing white shoes before Easter or after Labor Day.”
Interesting. And I am thinking that saccharin fakeness, acrylic nails and permanent lipliner were bad manners. Silly me! Oh, and that whole I’m-going-to-attend-college-just-so-I-can-snare-me-a-husband thing? Well, that’s not crass and shallow, is it? There’s a charming refrain about G.R.I.N.S.— girls raised in the North. This bit of folklore states: “Come up here and we’ll kick your prissy GRITS ass.”
